My Wordspace

A dumpster full of various musings over life, God, scripture, and any random thought that may fly by meanwhile. Comments welcome.

Ignorance is Bliss

Posted by Iszi on October 3, 2006

So, I’ve been struggling with the issues of personal identity, lust, and the present/future effects of past decisions for a good while now. I would say probably a couple weeks. Aside from my own stubborn self-reliance, the worst part of all this is the fact that it almost constantly is occupying my thoughts.

Most of this thought interference usually arises at work. While I have more than enough to keep me busy there, my brain almost always has some idle processing time to ponder over the various aspects of my situation. I find myself being distracted by desires for things I should not want, or thoughts of past decisions I have made wrong. Often, my imagination wanders towards what would be different if I had made decisions differently in the past or – in some ways, worse – what could be different if I made decisions now to change my future in certain ways. Then the “idle process” thoughts tend to bloat themselves into the space in my mind that I need to focus on work, and I become rather unproductive. Not a good thing when you’ve got the workload of one and a half people on your shoulders every day. (Fortunately, that should be relatively short-lived.)

When I am home, these thoughts usually end up faded into background static. There’s often more than enough to keep my mind occupied with things in the present, or just generally entertained. Once in awhile, an idle process will be freed up to wander on its own tangent, but it seems easier to snatch it back here, in most cases.

Part of me wants to run, part of me wants to break, and another part just wants to shut down and forget this ever came up. While the former two are almost completely destructive to self and family, the third option seems to be trying to take dominance over my consciousness now. While ignoring one’s own internal battles can in some sense make them go away, I know the calm is only temporary. However, calm is still calm. I just want to forget this thing ever came up in my mind, and try to go on with my life – with business as usual.

However, something inside of me still screams, “Business as usual is no longer acceptable!” While I can and very much would like to just shut it off into the deep recesses of netherthought, I also know that what it says is true and will not change. If I shut it off now, it will just come back later and I will be in the same spot or worse. So, I have to find a way to take care of it now, for once and for all.

The only question now is… how?

I know that I already know the answer, and have said it once or twice. But that is still another battlefield to be written about in another blog.

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