My Wordspace

A dumpster full of various musings over life, God, scripture, and any random thought that may fly by meanwhile. Comments welcome.

Archive for October, 2006

Blue-Pillin’ it Today

Posted by Iszi on October 30, 2006

Today is a blue-pill day so far. Sometimes I’m glad it’s that way, but other times I wish it weren’t. It’s like they say about paranoia, “What’s worse – being paranoid, or knowing you should be?”. I think the movie The United States of Leland says it perfectly:

“I think there are two ways you can see the world. You either see the sadness that’s behind everything or you choose to keep it all out.” – Leland

No matter which you choose, the “sadness” is still there. “Ignorance is bliss” they say, but that’s only until reality smacks you in the face. Then you have a choice: Either accept the reality for what it is, and do what you can to make it better if needed (even if that requires making your personal reality a little worse for a time), or try to continue on as you were.

If the latter is chosen, you will slowly but eventually return to the state of ignorance you were in, and maybe even feel like you are happier for it. But, since you have been made aware of reality, you will never again be completely ignorant – never completely blissful. Once in awhile, something will come up or your mind will wander to just the right place and then – BAM! – you’re back in reality again dealing with the same thing you’ve been trying to stay happy ignoring.

So, what is my choice? I wish it were simple as white or black. For now, I’ll have to go with gray though. I choose to keep reality at arms-length. I’ll not likely ever completely lose sense of the “sadness” that is there, but at the same time I can’t let it bother me until I’ve figured out what to do about it. So, I’m stuck in a state of limbo – constantly being jerked from one end to the other.

Today is a “blue pill” day. For now, I’d like to keep it that way.

– Iszi


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The Enemy is Within

Posted by Iszi on October 25, 2006

You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Morpheus, from The Matrix

This has been one of the choices plaguing my mind during my current dilemma. I’ve started to judge my days by which pill they may be associated to. Usually a “blue pill” day would be probably the closest to “normal” or “good” as it will get. Those are the days when everything is going relatively smoothly, and the issues that have been dominating my thoughts are almost forgotten.

Then, there’s the “red pill” days. These are days where I can’t help but see the problems for what they are – often because they’ve manifested themselves in one particular way or another – and end up battling with myself over what or whether to do anything about them. Today so far has been a “red pill” day.

Nothing has really happened today to fire it off this time. Mostly it’s just reflection on recent past events that brings my mind to spinning again. Then, I came to a disturbing hypothesis as to the reason that I am in such conflict with myself over what to do here. I am beginning to think my heart has already set itself on one path, while my spirit is desparately trying to move in another. Caught in the middle of this tug-of-war battle is are my mind and – more importantly – my destiny.

In this hypothesis (upon which I have yet to come to a solid conclusion which I would claim as truth) it would seem that my heart is set upon a path that is generally considered destructive, but would leave potential for re-building and a new beginning in the end. Of course, there would be lasting consequences as with any significant decision in life, but the end I would be left with more freedom to seek out a better future. My mind sees that potential and very much longs for it, but has yet to conclude whether the rebuild would be worth the damage that would need to be done.

My spirit wants to hold onto what is here, and strive to make it better. Ideally, this would be the best choice, since no lasting damage would be inflicted. However, not all of this is under my control and my mind has a hard time conceiving how many of the things that need changing could be changed. The mind worries that if the needed improvements cannot be made, perpetuating the status quo even in the name of restoration could have worse lasting effects than destroying and rebuilding it anew.

In the end, the resolution is up to God. The question now is, what is it that He wants to do here? Another question – What can He do here. Blasphemous as it may sound, I do wonder what are the limits that God has in changing a person. He created us each unique, with specific traits and a specific purpose in mind. Who are we to ask that He change any person? Are we to expect Him to say “Oops, my bad. Let me fix that for you.” when in fact it is much more likely that we messed up His work?

Some may claim that you can’t mess up God’s will. He’s too big and powerful to have His will affected by the actions of one person. While on a large scale that may be true, on a personal scale I beg to differ. We can mess up God’s will for our lives. This was first proven in the Garden of Eden. I believe that free will was given to man as a gift, but we have turned it into our own curse with dire consequences.

God wanted us to live in a peaceful paradise where we could walk with him and converse with him every day. But, Adam – yes, I said Adam – dropped the ball on that one bigtime when he chose to ignore a threat to his household, and allowed the serpent to tempt his wife (with himself soon to follow) out of God’s will. So, Adam and Eve were cast from the Garden forever as punishment for misusing their free will. The land that they were sent to was cursed so that Adam had to struggle laboriously for it to bear fruit. In similar fashion, Eve also was caused to suffer pain in bearing child.

Have I been cast from the Garden for my mistakes? Yes, Jesus did come to die for our sins, and rose again to return another day. Yes, we are forgiven and not damned to suffer in the eternal. Yes, through Jesus, we can have a closer walk with God. But, does that exempt us from the Earthly consequences of our actions? Most definitely not. Biblically, I cannot think of one example where a person was completely exempted from the lasting consequences of something they screwed up on Earth, even though they were forgiven in Heaven.

At the same time, we are told that God does not want us to live miserably. He wants us to have the “abundant life”. While God’s hand is necessary in the fulfillment of that life, our choices have drastic effect on the promotion or destruction of that life.

So – when faced with such a choice – how do you know you’re making the right one?

Someone asked me awhile ago if I was okay. My response was yes and no: By reading my recent blog entries, I think any person can come to the conclusion that things are pretty messed up in my head right now. That’s not OK. What is OK in me so far, is that I am still able to think logically and rationally when making decisions, and I’ve yet to make any significant moves based on emotion or sudden impulse. Hopefully, that will last at least until the right course of action is laid out and seen as such.

Meanwhile, I need peace.

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Posted by Iszi on October 11, 2006

Change can be a bitch.

Not so long ago, I was enjoying my new position and actually getting a chance to breathe during my days at work while things seemed to be so much simplified. That didn’t last long. A few weeks ago, the person who trained me for this new position left the company. That left me being the only person around who fully knew how to do (and was assigned to do) the job that I have just recently learned.

Normally, I would consider this an intriguing challenge. Okay, maybe intriguing isn’t quite exactly the word, but it is 1 AM right now. What makes this different however is that, while this job can be theoretically run by one person, the workload dictates a need for two – or at least one full-time and one part-time person. Unfortunately, that’s not happening quite soon enough.

The good news is, backup is coming in a couple weeks (or so I’m told). The bad news is, backup is still a couple weeks away. My managers have told me time and again to let them know when I think I’m in too deep. They say they’ll understand, given the nature of the job. While that may be, I am reluctant to call on them because I really don’t know what can be done to help things. There’s not much that I do that anyone else fully has knowledge, access, or time to help with.

I keep thinking that if I can just have one day where I can focus hard and shove my nose to the grindstone, I can knock out most of the backlog that’s been built up. Then the phone rings. Or another e-mail comes. Or someone sends an IM. There’s always something demanding my immediate attention away from tasks at hand.

Of course, this recent head case that I’ve developed hasn’t helped anything. Any time I have had without phone calls or attention-demanding e-mails or IMs, has been occupied by the wanderings of my mind as it tries to decipher itself and its current quandary. I will say it’s gotten better lately. Particularly this week, I’ve had an overall better time focusing on work than I have in the past couple weeks. Then again, that may be out of pure necessity, since I’ve come to fully realize and recognize the magnitude of the task at hand in my workplace.

In any case, I worry that it is all too little too late. Yes, I’ve regained focus. But now, the period of lacking has set me much further behind than I should ever have fallen. And still, there are the times where I need to just put my head down and crank up the music to drown out the noise in my head.

I can do this. It can be done. I know I can, and I know it can be. Now if I could just get it done!

Just do it!

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Just Shut Up

Posted by Iszi on October 5, 2006

Have you ever tried to advise or console someone, and only end up finding that your words are probably more counterproductive than anything? That happened to me today. A friend is being attacked right now by Satan, something that particularly pisses me off, and I wanted to express my shared feelings on a thought that she had expressed since it related quite much to what I am going through these days.

Part of the problem with that I guess is that I’m still in the middle of dealing with my own things, and so what came out was a half-formed thought. That one didn’t seem particularly good or bad on it’s own. In retrospect, maybe it wasn’t so great. But I know the latter half (which I also expressed when it hit me) was definitely on the negative side.

The saying goes, “Think before you speak.” What they forget to tell you is to finish thinking first.

Of course, then there’s times when – thought completed or not – it seems I should just plain shut up. I seem to have had an especially hard time with this lately as I have so much within me to express to some people but I don’t feel that the relationship or environment surrounding myself and them are particularly appropriate ones for me to express myself in. So, I usually end up rambling on about one thing or another trying to drive my mind away from what it is I want to say.

Boundaries are an interesting thing, I guess. We all have to live within and obey certain boundaries. If we don’t then there would be mass disorder in the world, and it would be a generally unpleasant place to live in. But sometimes boundaries can lead to too much confusion. Like, when someone has a thought or intention that may not be entirely (or at all) inappropriate or unethical, but steps outside the realm of conventional boundaries they are left dumbfounded with themselves in deciding what to do.

I think I’m rambling on again. This is another realm of fuzzy boundary, here. Of course, why should I expect anyone to understand me when I don’t even understand myself?

I’ll just shut up now. What was I talking about, anyway?

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Ignorance is Bliss

Posted by Iszi on October 3, 2006

So, I’ve been struggling with the issues of personal identity, lust, and the present/future effects of past decisions for a good while now. I would say probably a couple weeks. Aside from my own stubborn self-reliance, the worst part of all this is the fact that it almost constantly is occupying my thoughts.

Most of this thought interference usually arises at work. While I have more than enough to keep me busy there, my brain almost always has some idle processing time to ponder over the various aspects of my situation. I find myself being distracted by desires for things I should not want, or thoughts of past decisions I have made wrong. Often, my imagination wanders towards what would be different if I had made decisions differently in the past or – in some ways, worse – what could be different if I made decisions now to change my future in certain ways. Then the “idle process” thoughts tend to bloat themselves into the space in my mind that I need to focus on work, and I become rather unproductive. Not a good thing when you’ve got the workload of one and a half people on your shoulders every day. (Fortunately, that should be relatively short-lived.)

When I am home, these thoughts usually end up faded into background static. There’s often more than enough to keep my mind occupied with things in the present, or just generally entertained. Once in awhile, an idle process will be freed up to wander on its own tangent, but it seems easier to snatch it back here, in most cases.

Part of me wants to run, part of me wants to break, and another part just wants to shut down and forget this ever came up. While the former two are almost completely destructive to self and family, the third option seems to be trying to take dominance over my consciousness now. While ignoring one’s own internal battles can in some sense make them go away, I know the calm is only temporary. However, calm is still calm. I just want to forget this thing ever came up in my mind, and try to go on with my life – with business as usual.

However, something inside of me still screams, “Business as usual is no longer acceptable!” While I can and very much would like to just shut it off into the deep recesses of netherthought, I also know that what it says is true and will not change. If I shut it off now, it will just come back later and I will be in the same spot or worse. So, I have to find a way to take care of it now, for once and for all.

The only question now is… how?

I know that I already know the answer, and have said it once or twice. But that is still another battlefield to be written about in another blog.

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Lust is a Demon

Posted by Iszi on October 2, 2006

I find it amazing how one can long for something that they can’t have, long after they’ve decided they do not want that longing.

…or have they?

Lust is truly an amazing thing. We see it everywhere in TV ads, billboards, magazines, and the like. Yet over half of all marraiges end in divorce, many because of this lust. Why society would perpetuate the feeding of the monster that is destroying it is truly beyond me.

Yet still, a person can find themselves struggling with the same dilemma from within. They may grow an attraction towards something or someone they cannot have and should not want, and yet still are unable to shut down whatever it is inside that draws them to it. Even when a person recognizes the presence and nature of this destructive force, they are still inexorably drawn towards it.

So, what is a person to do when the find themselves wanting something that they do not want to want?

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