My Wordspace

A dumpster full of various musings over life, God, scripture, and any random thought that may fly by meanwhile. Comments welcome.

Self-Questioning and Self-Doubt

Posted by Iszi on September 28, 2006

Continuing on the previous post…

So, now you’ve got the big long backstory. Let’s come up to present day. I’ve been floating about all my life blissfully ignorant of the fact that I don’t quite know who I am as a person up until now. Now that it’s hit me, I find myself emotionally and psychologically panicked on a few levels.

Normally, I’m not one to be panicked in general, let alone in any emotional sense. Remember, it wasn’t too many years ago when I didn’t even know I had emotions. So, the experience has become quite disturbing for me. I’ll try to break it all down, here.

The first stage that I’ve hit, and probably just about gotten over, is the stage of suprise. My mind kinda woke up and said “Wait, what the hell?”. This is immediately followed by one of what’s soon to be many self-questionings, “How could I let this happen?”. I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent, generally insightful, and always aware of what’s going on in my mind. The latter of those is what has helped to contain and control my emotions in times of duress, throughout the years.

Next comes the questioning of the past. “What have I been doing all this time, making life-changing decisions without knowing who I am? How can I make the decision that’s best for me if I don’t even know me?” This is probably one of the most bothersome, as it brings into question everything I’ve done in the past that is affecting my present and will affect my future and the futures of those around me. Particularly under attack have come my marraige and career as well as other less (but still) significant areas of life.

Then there’s the “What might have been.” phase. I have a pretty good imagination, and my mind will ponder the stupidest things down to the most minute detail if I let it wander too far. So, some of its idle time has been spent (whether I want it to or not) thinking about how things might be different if I had known myself back in high school, not too many years ago. Those were the years where the decisions most pertinent to my present and future were made.

While still stuck on those last two questions, my proactive thinker is starting to kick in and say “Okay, what do we do now?”. This is probably one of the hardest questions, as all I can seem to come up with is to find a magic lamp and wish for a RESET button on my life. Other alternatives have included just running off somewhere to spend some time (a long time) on my own and study myself, or just shut this whole thought process down and claim blissful ignorance.

I can already see down those roads far enough to know that those aren’t really good ideas, but then again nothing is really going to seem like a good idea from here, is it? Humans fear change by nature, and anything that I would need to do to get out of this rut and fix what has been broken is going to require significant change in one form or another.

For now, I guess all I can do is sit here and think. Ponder the situation, and hope that a good self-analysis can help clear things up. Then again, when you don’t know yourself at all, who are you to conduct a “good self-analysis”? Some people keep telling me there’s always God to run to. Of course, if there’s anyone that should know me better than me, it’s Him. But I also feel that I’ve grown deaf to His voice, and to some degree I even fear what He may have to say. There’s that “fear of change” thing kicking in again.

See, unfortunately there is this big difference between knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it. I know there’s help waiting for me out there, I just need to look in the right place. I know the right place, I’m just scared to go there. Why? If I’ve been so far separated from emotion for so much of my life, why let fear control me now?

I guess I’m only human. Pray for me please.

– Iszi

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