My Wordspace

A dumpster full of various musings over life, God, scripture, and any random thought that may fly by meanwhile. Comments welcome.

Archive for September, 2006

Self-Questioning and Self-Doubt

Posted by Iszi on September 28, 2006

Continuing on the previous post…

So, now you’ve got the big long backstory. Let’s come up to present day. I’ve been floating about all my life blissfully ignorant of the fact that I don’t quite know who I am as a person up until now. Now that it’s hit me, I find myself emotionally and psychologically panicked on a few levels.

Normally, I’m not one to be panicked in general, let alone in any emotional sense. Remember, it wasn’t too many years ago when I didn’t even know I had emotions. So, the experience has become quite disturbing for me. I’ll try to break it all down, here.

The first stage that I’ve hit, and probably just about gotten over, is the stage of suprise. My mind kinda woke up and said “Wait, what the hell?”. This is immediately followed by one of what’s soon to be many self-questionings, “How could I let this happen?”. I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent, generally insightful, and always aware of what’s going on in my mind. The latter of those is what has helped to contain and control my emotions in times of duress, throughout the years.

Next comes the questioning of the past. “What have I been doing all this time, making life-changing decisions without knowing who I am? How can I make the decision that’s best for me if I don’t even know me?” This is probably one of the most bothersome, as it brings into question everything I’ve done in the past that is affecting my present and will affect my future and the futures of those around me. Particularly under attack have come my marraige and career as well as other less (but still) significant areas of life.

Then there’s the “What might have been.” phase. I have a pretty good imagination, and my mind will ponder the stupidest things down to the most minute detail if I let it wander too far. So, some of its idle time has been spent (whether I want it to or not) thinking about how things might be different if I had known myself back in high school, not too many years ago. Those were the years where the decisions most pertinent to my present and future were made.

While still stuck on those last two questions, my proactive thinker is starting to kick in and say “Okay, what do we do now?”. This is probably one of the hardest questions, as all I can seem to come up with is to find a magic lamp and wish for a RESET button on my life. Other alternatives have included just running off somewhere to spend some time (a long time) on my own and study myself, or just shut this whole thought process down and claim blissful ignorance.

I can already see down those roads far enough to know that those aren’t really good ideas, but then again nothing is really going to seem like a good idea from here, is it? Humans fear change by nature, and anything that I would need to do to get out of this rut and fix what has been broken is going to require significant change in one form or another.

For now, I guess all I can do is sit here and think. Ponder the situation, and hope that a good self-analysis can help clear things up. Then again, when you don’t know yourself at all, who are you to conduct a “good self-analysis”? Some people keep telling me there’s always God to run to. Of course, if there’s anyone that should know me better than me, it’s Him. But I also feel that I’ve grown deaf to His voice, and to some degree I even fear what He may have to say. There’s that “fear of change” thing kicking in again.

See, unfortunately there is this big difference between knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it. I know there’s help waiting for me out there, I just need to look in the right place. I know the right place, I’m just scared to go there. Why? If I’ve been so far separated from emotion for so much of my life, why let fear control me now?

I guess I’m only human. Pray for me please.

– Iszi

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Gone to Find Myself (At least, in My Mind…)

Posted by Iszi on September 28, 2006

Greetings, Readers.

Well, after yet another extended hiatus I have returned once again. For how long this time, is anyone’s guess. While I do sometimes regret not having put as much time and effort into keeping consistent with my originally intended schedule and purpose of posting this blog, it is still comforting to know that it is always here ready to listen when I need to talk.

So, not too long after I had posted about my recent progress down the path of self discovery, I posted about a loss of self-identity. As confusing as this may sound, there really is no self-contradiction in that. It seems that in the process of discovering the truly masculine part of my being, I have come to realize how little of myself I really know.

When I think about it, I can identify the source of this problem, but cannot think of a feasable solution. Some of the problem is of my own doing, some of it not. All of it is in the past, leaving me with uncertain feelings about my future.

In my youth, I was often the target of peer abuse. The class bullies (or anyone else feeling superior enough) would typically gravitate towards me before finding any other targets for their amusement. This lasted through most of my elementary school years, and didn’t let up until nearly halfway through high school.

I may never fully understand what brought it on, or what finally stopped it, but what I do understand now is the damage that it caused. During those years, and for years afterwards, I was a social recluse. I would usually be the one finding some obscure corner in the cafeteria for lunch, dropping it all down the hatch as quickly as possible, then disappearing to the library or somewhere I could be by myself. (Sadly, now that I look at it again, I still do that at lunch most times.) Anyone I would “hang out” with would usually be connected to some special interest group (Band, NJROTC, Chess Club, FCA/Student Venture) and I would usually only be around them when those groups were meeting.

An interesting thing about this period is that not only was I secluding myself from others, I was also pretty well shut down inside. For some time during my teenage years, I often wondered if I even knew what emotion was, let alone how to feel it. Later, any time I would take to learn about myself, I would usually be taking from others. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, when you are by nature (and years of “training”) careful about selecting the friends and groups that you allow to feed this to you. But still, it’s not the real deal. When you don’t even know you, how can you expect others to be able to know you well enough to teach you about yourself?

Fortunately for me, my trust has always been with God to some degree or another, and also with His people. When they would try to feed something into my life, I would usually listen. The upside is that the food there is usually good, but the downside is it’s not your own food. You can only survive off it so long before you start to die for lack of being able to feed yourself.

The second problem I’ve had is lack of isolation at home in my lifetime. I can’t be sure since I’ve yet to really experience it, but it would seem there’s some things that just can’t be learned when living in a busy household or sharing that life with someone else. When I was 18, I moved out of my mom’s house and in with my dad. Dad’s house was pretty empty, being a three-bedroom house with just him and me there, but I was still working on reclusivity at that time so that didn’t help much. A year later I had to move back in with Mom, over which I won’t go into detail.

During this time and some time before, I was involved in a long distance, internet-based relationship that would eventually lead to marraige and fatherhood. However, neither of us were financially prepared – individually or collectively – to live on our own. So, we rented the extra room in my aunt’s house. It was a relatively small two bedroom house that was also crowded with animals. (To this day, there has never been less than two cats and two dogs in that house. Often more.) There was where we had our daugther and (skipping more details) a couple years later had to move out, but again before we are financially ready to do it on our own… back to Mom again.

Now the house is pretty crowded and almost always busy in one way or another. It’s a four bedroom house occupied by my family, my mom and her husband, my sister, and my step-brother. Rarely is there a moment’s true peace before 10 PM. Definitely not an enviroment conducive to self-exploration. On the upside, our financial situation is improving although we’re still not to a point where we’re ready to move out.

Wow. This has turned into a long post, and I fell like I’ve barely scratched the surface. Guess that’s what I get for only posting on blue moons. I’ll leave this here for now, and pick it up later.

– Iszi

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Searching

Posted by Iszi on September 26, 2006

A saying, I don’t know how hold, which has been re-phrased and said many times before, on many t-shirts, bumper stickers, and other paraphenalia:

“I’ve gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, please keep me here.”

That pretty much describes where I am right now. More to come on this later.

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