My Wordspace

A dumpster full of various musings over life, God, scripture, and any random thought that may fly by meanwhile. Comments welcome.

"Home" Again

Posted by Iszi on August 23, 2005

Well, I’m at my mom’s house right now. I’m here mostly at the bequest of my wife, whom I hadn’t seen in almost a week prior to coming over this time. We’re still not entirely moved in by any measure, and the room meant for us is still far from prepared, so we’re making our own space in the front living room for now, which is also to be ours anyway. (The house has a “Family Room” in the middle, and a “Living Room” in front, the latter of which my mother decided should be ours so we have our own living area outside the bedroom.)

I find myself with a strange feeling of coming home, yet not really being “at home”. Almost as if one has been out of school for a year or so, and then returned. Although I myself have never been through that, I can probably now imagine what it would be like. The school itself would be the same, with most of the same people still there, but there would be many more new faces to see than in the typical school-year changeover, and many more old faces gone. Possibly some of the decor may have changed, some extra/co-curricular programs discontinued or newly begun. So, although it is the same school, it’s not quite “your school” anymore.

I know this feeling will pass in time. Probably once we’re settled into our actual room, with everything firmly in its place, it will be easier. A piece of me feels like having my own computer here would be helpful too. (It’s still at my Aunt’s house. – This post is being made on my wife’s computer.)

It’s strange when I think about it that way. The saying goes “home is where the heart is”, and while my heart is with my family, a large part of it has been spilled online through a computer that I personally assembled in – and have personally cared for since – summer of 2000.

Odd. Now I also consider not having my bicycle is also a particular emotional hinderance here. Odd, yet it makes so much sense when I consider how I purchased both, and how much of my life has gone into both. Without going into much detail, I will say that there was a large sum of money given to me through my Grandmother when I was 18, and a large portion of that money went into the purchase for the parts to my computer, and the purchase of my bicycle and all the accessories added onto it at that time. They also represent (to my memory) the two largest purchases that I have ever made exclusively with my own money, paid upfront.

That being the monetary (physical) connection, the emotional connection comes when considering that a large portion of my life (as previously mentioned) has been lived out in the computer world, and another large portion of my life has been lived with that bicycle as my primary (or often-used alternative) form of transportation. So, to some degree, both represent to me a connection to independance and freedom.

Like anyone else, I feel rather confined when using someone else’s computer, even when it’s my wife’s. None of the software is in the right place, I have no bookmarks (as if I use them), I have to manually fill out password forms, and the security is never tight enough. Without my bicycle, I have no expedient means of going anywhere outside of a two-mile radius on my own. With it, I could easily go anywhere within about 15 miles in one hour, and farther if I was to connect with the bus system. And around this area, that covers a lot of places.

I guess to some degree, it could be said that it’s not good for me to feel such a strong “home” connection to a computer. To have that be “where your heart is” and be a Christian, is almost self-contradictory. Supposedly, I guess that kind of connection would better be placed in a Bible, or made in those “quiet times” that one should have every day.

Getting to that place though, is much harder than flipping some internal switch. My whole life I’ve known inside that that’s where I really should be, yet here I still am. What it is that’s keeping me here, a million psychiatrists and pastors could probably say, but the real question I want answered is, “What is it going to take to pull me out of here?”. The answer might not be pretty, but I hope it comes soon. While computers and the internet have played a heavy role in my life, I know that they can’t be my life forever. So, now that I know it, (as if I never have?) what needs to come to make me do it?

A part of me doesn’t, but a part of me really does want to find out soon.

– Iszi

Quote of the day:

“Wars come and go, but my soldiers stay eternal.” – Tupac

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